What is a life without meaning, and what is the meaning and purpose of existence? Why do we have a consciousness? In the twinkling of an eye, 14 billion years passed before you realized your existence. With that consciousness, you inherited awareness of time passing, but for what reason is this given?
The answer you are seeking lies in deciphering the code of your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Your urgings are moving you in the wrong direction and causing conflict. You cannot control the endless loop of your thinking. You feel lost and powerless, and whatever you achieve frustrates. It’s never enough.
We all want to be number one. We want to be powerful, loved and the center of attention. But what happens when that goal is foiled, rejected and rebuffed? We become angry and judgmental.
You crave power. You hate being powerless and when you create anything, you want to be acknowledged for your good works. You reward those who appreciate your hard work and damn those who don’t. Put all these together and they boil down to something we know in psychological parlance as ego. And what is ego other than people aspiring to status such as a god might have.
If it is true that we are using our time on earth to puff up our egos with power and glory, stubbornly reinforcing a deteriorating sense of worth, then there’s the rub. This is the meaning of conflict with us and 6 billion others, all unconsciously playing God. We are unconscious of our true purpose because that true love would reveal, and then inhibit the madness of our self-serving nature. Until we have endured much suffering from our folly, we shall not be ready to give up our own will, to know God as God. Until that time, our focus will be on self-creation. Our self-interest will be directed away from the ultimate purpose for which we were created, and continue materializing as a king of glory.
But if you were God coming into existence, you would not need power, nor would you ever feel guilty or powerless. You would not care what people thought, because their acknowledgment of your existence would become their blessing, the soul reason for their being. And what, may I ask, is the value of those dubious blessings you bestow upon those who acknowledge you? Can their worship of your mortal creature self save, or does it merely enslave and confound?
Are you seeking proof that God exists? If so, perhaps that life of suffering has begun to reveal its value. Those internal conflicts evolving from a life wrongly lived contrast the paths of right and wrong. From the agony and ecstasy of both judgment and forgiveness you are beginning to be awakened by the light.
The evidence you seek lies in being blessed to decode the meaning of anxiety accompanying every flash of anger. All those judgments of others were always followed by a moment of truth and a judgment upon your judgment. How much pain are you going to endure before you see what this means?
Everyone comes into the world with a special gift, that of discernment. Discernment is the wordless way of knowing how to safely navigate through the ugly realities of life. Whenever any emotion (love or hate) is added to the humility of innocence inherent in discernment, the soul loses that clear perception. We swell up with the pride of judgment, the granddaddy precursor of the seven deadly sins. The unemotional variety of judgment (discernment) is the righteous judgment to which the Scriptures refer.
"Just as judgment, forgiveness is the prerogative of the true God"
The prerogative of a monarch is to judge and condemn, to give and receive praise. In the highest sense, the supreme ego of the universe alone possesses this ultimate right to judge who is good and who is evil. The moment we take upon ourselves this mantle and puff up with anger or with praise, we begin to experience an unfathomable anxiety and self-condemnation.
Conversely, in the absence of emotional excitement, especially notable with respect to resentment, anger and rage, there comes again the indwelling light, revealing to the eye of our soul the truth about everything, but often not immediately. Discernment forbids us to jump to conclusions. Discernment watches and waits patiently to be sure, and when it is, it calmly and deliberately acts out of good, curing and preventing problems by not overreacting.
Besides sitting in God-like judgment, you may also "redeem" lowlife scumbags like the Bill Clintons of this world from guilt, by putting them on pedestals. But look at what you are doing. In creating an idol, you become a god maker, elevating a dog to the status of a "God" who is expected to acknowledge your beneficence. So involved and ecstatic you are with relieving your mutual guilts, you both fail to see the emerging hell.
Since no god can be wrong and still be god, the worst in you draws out the worst in him or her to shore up the image of your deformed selfworth. And so you go on denying reality, setting people up to fail, knocking people down and living in comparison to inferiors. You probably modeled this pattern of behavior during your formative years. You may have been set up and sacrificed for family judgment. You hated to be like them, but your hatred tricked you, trapped and programmed you into a future of letting people continue to out-judge you.
Your victim judgment is judgment food for predators. Your own secret life of judgment is the loser’s. It is a (martyr’s) judgment on a devil dredged up for that purpose. You have unwittingly created evil by which comparison you glory in servitude and suffering. You have become part of the process of the chain gang from hell, weak before the strong and most likely, hatefully puffed up towards those who are weaker.
At this point there are two ways to overcome the inferiority of failing. The preferable goal should be to get out of your love-hate system. Unfortunately, that is only likely to happen after much suffering and searching for what went wrong.
You could stubbornly go on knocking others down and building yourself up, doing unto others what was done unto you. You could continue saving failures seeking that illusive recognition with those who always turn out to be ungrateful bums and tyrants. But when that time comes, when you see love in all the wrong places, then all that is left is to revel in judgment and glory, in pure hatred. All your appointments crumble into disappointments, and the facade of love eventually reveals itself for what it was all along – enslavement to a living hellion on earth.
Rage and judgment blind and lead to the need for their delusional twin, the kissing, worshipful love. And when love betrays, as it surely will, that leads right back to hate again. The purring pleasure toward those who see you in a good light is just as much a judgment upon them as your condemnation of those who see you in a bad light. With each sin comes a judgment upon your judgment, experienced as anxiety, despair and depression, along with many psychosomatic manifestations of the underlying cause.
Lovers are or will become betrayers in disguise. They will play along in exchange for power. See how much you gave of yourself for an illusion of worth? That’s all it ever was, an illusion. You could never attract honest love and real people because they would never play your game. You see, the only way any person with low self-esteem seeks love is through illusion and deception. In your confusion you will always draw up out of hell the familiar spirit of your lost innocence.
Unable to rise above your guilt with hatred and judgment produces the compulsion to forgive, to be soft, yielding, to have sympathy for the devil. That is why forgiveness is a worse problem than judgment ever was. Therefore, forbear to judge, and you will not fall into the dilemma of forgiving.
Just as judgment, forgiveness is the prerogative of the true God and that is why the witness of your conscience follows you as you practice them. Your human forgiveness can only condone evil. This sets the wrongdoer up to hurt you again, for which you hate them more and more. Human forgiveness is not the same as divine forgiveness. In judging and then forgiving you are still playing God. The God of your conscience is following you all the way to the grave trying to save you. But you resent his saving judgment and see his presence as the enemy, the internal parent punisher.
Of what should you repent. Surely it is the pride of both judging and forgiving. You need to find that neutral zone somewhere between the extremes of judgment and forgiveness. This is the state of awareness called discernment.
Don’t take things so personally. Do not be lifted up by praise or upset by criticism. Endure these two impostors without swelling with pride. Do not fall to judgment or to praise. Do not seek love and approval. Watch yourself looking for faults. Remain centered and preserve that innocent watchfulness that is the righteous judgment of discernment. Forbear to judge and you won’t need to forgive.
St. Augustine writes, "And what is pride but the craving for undue exaltation? And what is the origin of evil but pride? This undue exaltation comes when the soul abandons Him whom it ought to cleave as its end, and becomes an end to itself. And when it does, it falls away from the unchangeable good that ought to satisfy it more than itself. Accordingly, it is to exist in himself, that is, to build to be his own satisfaction after abandoning God. And therefore the Holy Scriptures designates the proud by another name, self-pleasers."
St. Augustine seems to be saying that when the ego becomes puffed up with false security, then it becomes debased by its fall to what has appealed as its concupiscent will. Strange but true, pride revels in debasement as a pig in a trough of desire. The masses really do enjoy being degraded, feeling uplifted by their concupiscent pleasures and their collective emotional highs, which keep them all asleep to the reality of their sins.
Therefore, let us awaken and submit ourselves to the unchangeable Good Who stands above us waiting patiently to truly forgive and redeem. He is the One who holds the salvation of completeness and who make us whole and free.
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