A caller to my radio show posed the following question: “It seems to me that you imply that we should be celibate. I say that you cannot do that when you are married.
“There are reports that 40 to 50 percent of all women are frigid. They say that this is the cause of all of their problems. Psychiatrists back this up by saying that if you resolve the problems of frigidity that you will become more energetic in spirit and in body as well as become closer to God.”
In responding, I told her she had not quite gotten my meaning as it relates to true, non-sexual love. What I was trying to say was that the awakening of sexual feelings or, for that matter, all lust passing itself off as love, is always a subtle evidence of a spiritual failing.
If the goal of life were one of attaining perfection, then any perverse need for affection, food, sex, lust of any kind would begin to diminish. In our present state, lustful longings intensify and are never satisfied. True love begins to temper those appetites as we grow toward perfection by correcting all those resentment-based judgments which are wired directly to various kinds of lust.
True love does not confine behavior to only sexual activity or to just one individual, like a husband, wife or child. Genuine love is an impersonal, universal attitude that governs all we do. However, without this love ingredient, nothing — sex, children, family, money, eating, giving, living or dying—has any real value.
Every natural undertaking, be it personal, pleasurable or business, including sex, becomes frustrating unless tempered by the propriety of whatever true love happens to be. When we temper our relationships as they relate to people and things, with patience and endurance, a magical thing happens. Everything becomes fulfillment.
Look at the frustration we experience whenever we give of ourselves to others who fail to”appreciate” our sacrifices to them. Loving too much becomes so traumatic that after a while we tend to hold back “love.” Conversely, we can develop a problem with too much love and attention. Too much praise and the wrong kind of attention can cause painfully frustrating ego friction with God. Such experiences can lead to fear-based relationships and produce frigidity, all based on a hostility leading to the wrong kind of celibacy.
True celibacy comes from and gradually outgrowing the follies of youth. Patient endurance in marriage is the main ingredient that diminishes the unwholesome abuses of one another. Sensibility conquers sensuality. As a truly loving relationship becomes spiritually satisfying, sensibility that tames sexuality causes us to need less pleasure, not more. In contradistinction, old age will find us fixated, ever more desperately in need, perhaps worse – impotent.
Bad relationships lead to those miserable extremes of excesses and revulsions.
No love can come through frustration-based frigidity. Sometimes sexual paralysis will bottle up, taking on the appearance of virtue. You could become a pious soul lost in the mortal coil of a monk or a priest, driven to secret masturbation, sexually stimulated, as all men are, by the worshipful women of the flock.
The false love whereof I speak is like the super helpful secretary who gives service to her boss (as she did with her parent) beyond the call of duty. Unfortunately, when she discovers, predictably, that the boss does not give acknowledgment or is never satisfied no matter how much she does for him (like her parent), she clams up in begrudging disgust and just perhaps lives out a lonely, isolated existence, giving little of herself to anyone.
When we do not get back that for which we gave, we tend to ricochet back and forth in those extremes. We give too much or we don’t give at all. Or we give resentfully and begrudgingly. The fear of love comes through naive trust or love abused. Sure, you can see where you may be going wrong, giving of yourself in order to get, in exchange for what appears to be love in return. Perhaps you see the reason why the Scriptures say that it is better to give love than receive.
If you are going to seek love from the world, then get ready to be a slave for the sake of it. Everyone is looking for love in all the wrong places and few have any to give. To realize this truth will open the portals of love in your heart. God is the source of the love that you seek and when you have His love, only then are you able to give, out of its abundance, and never seek an outcome. An apple tree would not be an apple tree if it gave only to get back a bigger apple.
Remember this well. When we do not have love, then we shall always give of our substance to get it. Seeking in this way, we are damned if we do and enslaved if we don’t. Also remember, if we are all seeking love because we are nothing without it, then we are nothing but actors on the stage fooling and cheating one another. Our focus will be 180 degrees away from that which we seek from within.
Only through humility before God within our hearts comes that which we arrogantly and willfully seek from others. To put it in plain language, cleave to what is right every moment and do what is right no matter how small and unnoticed. However, you cannot possibly do what is right if you continue to react with resentment toward what is wrong. Loving what is right means not being resentful and hence being forgiving toward wrongdoers.
“Genuine love is an impersonal, universal attitude that governs all we do.”
In the game of love, frustration occurs on both ends of the spectrum. The winner doesn’t get love. He or she gets servitude and perhaps even betrayal. The loser usually interprets the positive response of an obliging friend or lover as evidence of worthiness to be loved. They then become so dependent and clingy that they tend to drive their beloved one away. Egocentric and immature people use every appendage, organ and gland of their being seeking the holy grail of glorious respectability. What inevitably happens is a growing perverse need for that power.
In this hunger for power or craving for love, all too many women consciously or unconsciously will literally kill the goose that lays the golden egg.
Women who utilize their bodies and feminine wiles as bait to get what they want from men are always damned if they get power and end up victimized if they do not, a lose-lose situation.
The coldness on the part of the female could represent a manipulative game of punishment for the husband who does not “pay the piper” her worshipful dues. On the other hand, the headache ruse is an escape from the pain of abuse by an overzealous suitor. One way or another, one partner will run or clam up and become abstinent, growing old and lonely fiddling under the blankets with an maginary partner.
Guilt can also play a part in sexual desire. Many people are addicted to a judgment-based guilt in order to function sexually. This is often the reason why couples that are unhappily married will have large families. They do not necessarily love their spouses or their children. Then again, a guilty, insecure woman will perform to a man’s pleasure and then seek love by spoiling and exploiting the weakest members of her brood.
William Shakespeare reminds us that love can indeed spring from hate. In his play “Romeo and Juliet,” Juliet says, “Out of my first hate sprang my first love.” To be sure, through this kind of embrace come all the tragedies of romantic history. In their old age such broken women of romance are left with nothing but bitterness. They often are left dredging up the ectoplasm of their dead mates’ miserable carcasses.
In such a romantic charade, men are guiltier than women for using women as objects of selfish pleasure rather than showing them genuine responsibility, justice and mercy — love. In this way they are guilty of bringing the worst out of women to service the worst in them. On the other side, women are guilty of allowing themselves to be manipulated and thereby becoming objects of contempt.
Mrs. Average Housewife, having gotten that new car and wardrobe that failed to fulfill her, begins to resent her husband for giving her material things in exchange for sexually degrading herself. Unfortunately, her fate was sealed at the very beginning when she said “I do” to such a man as this.
Going to bed with a man out of resentment and guilt will get her tomorrow what she really did not want yesterday. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is sheer madness, at the very least. Bear in mind the order of misery. First comes the false love, which grew out of hate. Then out of hate and resentment comes the sexual desire to please.
You may wonder also about frigid women who seem dead to everything. The problem is that men just do not get it. They make the same mistake repeatedly. Oversexed men cause women to feel dirty because their ego needs call upon women to ‘mother’ them. That in turn makes women either too emotionally shut down, to prevent becoming violated, or it dooms him to a sexual death by her clinging desire for attention.
A nymphomaniac, for example, remains fixated in the extreme of rigidity, stubbornly dedicated to make work what never will. I tell you, everything we do without the tempering of God’s saving grace and wisdom will leave us destructively internalized and outwardly focused.
Now, just because a woman is a nun and a man is a monk does not mean they are sinless. Usually the motivation to become a monk or a nun is a wrong one. A monastery, more likely than not, means security and an escape from the fear of not being able to deal with temptation. It is an attempt to hold on to their virtue, their fragile goodness, by avoiding all contacts. Of course a person can really be celibate, but that is rare. If you happen to be one of those people, let me remind you of a Scripture: “There is no claim to virtue without temptation.” The goal of every man should be to love what is right in his heart before the love of a woman. Only then may he be able to truly love women and not fear them.
No man can share the love he does not have in his heart to give. No man can love his wife if he needs love from her. His love ought to be the joy of giving love to her and not being so concerned about her love for him. A woman knows these things.
Therefore, men, be it known that your excessive craving for women is not love. If need were love, then it would follow that more need would be greater love. Surely you have seen by now that such love is a subtle, terrible form of slavery. All decent women feel secure with a man who, when tested, is found to love what is right in his heart before her. Such a man, when possessed by honor and principles, is true to those principles. Therefore, she intuitively knows for that reason that he will be ever true to her. To that man she can join her body freely without fear or frigidity.
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