"I resented you because when you became sick I thought you were going to die." This man had put me on a pedestal, altered my purpose as his minister, and set me up as his private god in order to save him. He did this despite the fact I had repeatedly warned my congregation against such dangerous and deadly rituals, secretly practiced by most everyone since time immemorial.
This man's sense of worth depended on his seeing me as perfect, otherwise it reflected badly on him. The slightest fault became grounds for secret judgment. With the thought of my dying, came the inescapable conclusion that his soul would be dead in the grave with me. Faith in Roy Masters, a mere mortal, had been useless because I could not be his Jesus. For good reason was he terrified.
Instead of realizing his folly, he blamed me, believing I had betrayed him. He stubbornly went on setting me up to fail, and in doing so, compounded his own dilemma with me.
There is a right and wrong way of respecting authority, and both involve a loving service. The wrong way, the love-hate relationship, is servitude, ever seeking salvation from hate, through what you want to believe is loving devotion. Resentment toward a parent will subvert the love of good in our hearts toward a worship of hate objects. Once this happens, the guilt associated with unforgiveness, compels a frustrating servitude toward all worldly authority. And through them will we seek our redemption. In order to be forever "loving," the victim needs perpetual hate toward someone on a pedestal who will forever fail them.
Our parents have stood unholy in the place of the holy, and we go on to replicate our home lives, transferring our infantile servility to all our relationships. It is only natural for the human spirit to seek a sense of completion through the act of love, even when it is the wrong kind. Unfortunately, that inadvertently completes the hate object's identity within us. Whether loving or hating, and throughout life, worship molds us into the very kind of authoritarian god we once hated, and perhaps try not to be.
The drive for this false sense of completeness is insatiable. No matter how much you suffer, you go on "loving" through an endless series of futile sacrifices. The trouble with this type of love is that it compounds the very sense of inferiority that you are trying to overcome. This is what is behind the drive to please.
"There is a right and wrong way of respecting authority, and both involve a loving service."
You may be completely unaware that you are setting your beloved up in order to put him or her down. You secretly enjoy the perverse pleasure of elevating yourself over them. Perhaps you can see that you do not really love anyone. You demand it. Such an imperfect human love, not possessing God's redeeming power of grace, guarantees your idol's fall.
When you cannot get love, in exchange for sacrifice, then you get to enjoy the secret pleasure of looking down your nose in silent judgment. Thus does a "worthless sense of worth" become confounded and the roles tend to become reversed.
At first there is that glorious rush of acceptance, but then comes the disappointment and with it the rush to judgment. In this frame of mind, egos are always right and never wrong - the hallmark of every self-righteous god. You reward others with servitude when they acknowledge you, but then damn them for the abuse of your "love." Pause for a moment, and ask yourself, whether you are guilty of this kind of behavior. Perhaps you are married to such a person.
The secret fantasy of every worshiper is to be the one worshipped. This "god" is a god of confusion, otherwise how is it possible to be right and never wrong. All those who end up in the doghouse, have fallen for this elevated role. Falling for this kind of love is a falling from what true love is all about.
Be warned, every "god maker" has a secret life; in their own eyes, the worshiper is greater than the god they created to glorify them. Quietly they are elevating themselves over all those failing, wicked, pathetic and disgusting authorities. A home like this tolerates only one opinion - that of the one who is always wrong, who compels everyone to believe they are always right. When standing up to this kind of god you are in danger of losing your sanity.
Your children are watching this soulless struggle for ego power.
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